Oh boy! Wasn’t that some Depression!

March 31, 2023, Hello Spring.

Life is always go-go goo. Running from to and fro. No time to do what I love. But all the time to work my way up. When still the present presents. One gift that doesn’t always give. Three months into the ‘New Year’. Nothing new to this three-month-long year. Seasons come and go. My mind stays still and grows. They say when winter loathes spring regrows. If there’s only time and no way to unwind. Maybe let go of your spiraling mind. Be still in this moment. Know your mind will unwind when you let time be far from the mind. Embrace the present with no surprise. Shower away your schedule that you despise. Cut away what doesn’t grow. Blossom by blossom allow life to flow. Welcome spring with a hello. Say goodbye to go-go-go.

My heartfelt attempt at poetry. I like to think it’s kind of good but also kind of bad - sort of like Spring. Almost two months later I can’t say I’m not struggling with the same things. But that’s okay. Winter was a time of procrastination getting nothing done and ig so was Spring. I relapsed. I.e., I practically gave up. Not just on life but on myself. In time I hope to share more about it but for now, I wanna share this portion.

Here’s the thing sometimes I get so far into my head that I forget anything else exists, and I isolate myself to the point of becoming this vulnerable narcissist who gives too much meaning to my life and thinks everything I do is either pointless or not good enough. I’m not like your grandiose narcissist who believes they're entitled to so much more than the rest of the world… Ik I’m not like that special (pun intended) - but that’s just the thing.

My struggle with importance, worth, and love – it’s all based on an irrational sense of inferiority. According to a writer I admire, Mark Manson, this is known as something slightly different from the person who has an excessive interest in themselves. The vulnerable narcissist, “believes they are life’s biggest victim; therefore, they deserve the most love and attention. Opposite reasoning – same shitty result.” After reading that I immediately thought of how I’ve attracted many narcissistic men in my life, men who were desperate to prove their worth time after time, and how I was the girl who yearned for their validation to feel as if I had a purpose.

This is where the irrational sense of inferiority has taken control in my life. I live with this intense feeling of inadequacy: low self-esteem, false confidence - all things those who love self-abuse and live with a victim mentality feel - the inability to deal with life, powerless, shameful, and lowest of them all the belief that we’re insufficient of importance. It's sad, lonely, and isolated me from others more than I imagined. It’s interfered with my ability to maintain relationships and cultivate competence even with the smallest things in life like playing music when I know I’m feeling sad. It’s what triggers my behavioral patterns of isolation, self-sabotage, and the attention I seek. I blame my upbringing – something a vulnerable narcissist would say. I wasn’t loved in a healthy way. I was always trying to prove myself to those who said they loved me. The talented were praised, the curious were shunned, and the brave were belittled. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t healthy, but it was my reality. Season after season.

Sometimes I would turn the page, end a chapter, let go of what was old, and embrace what was to come. But it feels like most of my bridges burned were just a commitment I made to the same sad story. Belittling my truth, ashamed of my past, drowning in thought, wanting to be saved - and excusing it all by victimizing myself. As if my story was all that different from another masterpiece of tragedy.

When I leave my house and force myself to get the eff outta my head, I start to think of the rest of the world (shocker ik). I drive down the highway and see all the buildings roofed to so many minds of those who may overthink just as much as me, and I realize how many people there are living out human experiences with the same spectrum we all put our struggles joys, hopes, and dreams on. I think how one person on social media may have 20k people who follow them and be at a restaurant while one of 7 billion people in the world walk by them and have absolutely no idea – no care - as to what they do or who they are.

It’s crazy how people literally don’t care about you or me. I care about you, but you know what I mean, I hope. You can be Kim K. or a radish farmer and the world will keep turning, seasons keep changing, and life will make all the difference with or without them. That’s life (I wanna be ashamed of myself here but that wouldn’t be growth in the right direction so just know we all learn – and when I say we I mean me & when I say learn I mean act on the wisdom – at our own pace). You're special to some in one story or a gazillion, at the end of the day I think all that matters is that you're special to the most important story, yourz.

And that’s just it. With every new season, change is within reason. When it feels still try and search for a thrill.  When selfishly lost in the mind time after time. Just let go of yourself and allow life to unwind. My brain may move slow in a world that always goes. Until I allow my mind to step into a new time. Where hope comes and goes like every new season my soul will try and grow.

You see what I did there – ik it’s stupid – I’m trying. My point is that I like to think of seasons as a guide to surviving life in a world full of change. Giving those drowning in thought hope at times when we forget to save ourselves. It’s the change we look forward to when we’re ready to outgrow who we were and become who we are, it's what makes all the difference, it's what makes life simple.

So, this is to the end of Spring and to the beginning of Summer for me and whoever else likes their summer self more than any other season. “There is always that one summer that changes you.”

ps - maybe this post isn’t good enough for some or for the old Karleigh who had others validate her posts before she pressed publish, but right now I say it’s enough for me - and whomever I hope to connect with – sometimes it’s simply good enough just like that.

xoxoxo k.