Socialized Yes girl Gone Selfish

After one too many low-grade wavers pleasing others, guilt-tripped by good excuses, and being bulldozed by burnout; I realized it was time to draw the fine black line of borders & boundaries.

Maybe it’s my low self-esteem or that I’m a sucker for the sake of doing things. Nonetheless, telling someone “no” has been my kryptonite.

As a woman, expressively, I think we were nurtured to socialize as a “Yes Girl”. Finding it hard to say “no” and fixate on boundaries for the sake of our own wellness.

Always “sweet” and “available to help” when in all sincerity we want to say NO! But that’s not kosher. Unless we have a merit excuse, like running an insane fever or taking care of that family matter…

Conforming to our nature wanting to help everyone! But in the end, it exploits our dignity. It shouldn’t have to come to mental or physical exhaustion to justify our boundaries.

Why can’t we just say No? Why do we feel the need to always say yes? Is it because we fear the black lash?

Do we want to appeal to other people?

Avoiding persecution out of the fear of something awful happening…

Kindness isn’t equivalent to naivete, therefore self-protection and saying no are paramount. Ensuring where the line lies leaves no room for those to cross the border.

It’s not rearranging your priorities in response to everyone else’s needs.

Lighting yourself up in flames just to keep somebody else toasty.

Or opening the floodgates to fleeting episodes of burnout.

When in your next situation with a lonesome narcissist or afraid of owning your well-being, remember all we have to do is say “No”. With no further explanation.

They say boundaries and self-esteem go hand in hand.

And one way to build self-esteem is by practicing strong self-respecting boundaries.

I believe the best way is to get to know yourself and your limits.

Understanding your core values and having killer confidence gifts you the ability to state what will or will not be tolerated.

You know what’s best for you. Sometimes all we need is a little self-awareness to eliminate what’s not serving us anymore.  With secure boundaries, we can explore our fullest potential and experience healthy relationships with others and most importantly ourselves.

In a book by Scott Shute, The Full Body Yes: Change Your Work and Your World From the Inside Out there’s this rule; the rule of “full body yes”. It’s the idea that if something doesn’t scream hell yess then it’s hell no.

You deserve to be spending your time doing things you love and showing up as your best self. Thus saying “hell yess” only to what fuels (not drains) your soul.

One may express this as selfish… although self-love isn’t selfish. It’s IMPORTANT, it’s your well-being. Life is too short to be doing things for the sake of just doing things.  

I feel guilty setting boundaries sometimes. But to be frank, something is empowering about saying no. Especially to a guy. I’m more enjoyable, sane, and healthier when saying no to things that are only hurting me in the long run.

What are your core values? How are you at setting/maintaining boundaries?

Is codependency, others’ expectations, or low self-esteem standing in the way of your joy?  

k.