The Art of Anxiety

I was sitting in the shower squeezing my body thinking to myself, why is this still happening?

As I anxiously rocked back and forth, I realized I was overdosing on fear once again.  

When it comes to my problems, I tend to become obsessed with “figuring them out”.

Provoking my addiction to this special high of an emotion we call anxiety.

Which never fails to leave me feeling powerless…

2022, consisted of 365 days of extreme mind games and the peak of my anxiety.

Imagine a self-conscious problematic overstudying full-time student, battling intrusive thoughts, heartache, and downright misery. And to put the fucking cherry on top of a banana sundae shit of a storm, I was attempting to figure out what I was doing with the rest of my life.  

As if we’re supposed to know at 21…smh

I was more afraid of life than death. I experienced weekly panic attacks of hyperventilating, shaking, and hugging myself in the fetal position on the ground of my shower. It was out of control.

At that point, I was manifesting toxic shame and torturing regret. 

My anxiety, aggression, addiction, and depression became so deeply ingrained that I found myself fearing the worst with every minuscule aspect of life.

With all that unintentional toxic manifestation 🫠 the universe finally put things into gear, thus introducing me to Mother Teresa...my therapist.

And my black stary episodes finally started to wear away.

That was until my subconscious began lingering behind a newly closed door…

There was fear and familiarity, as I spiraled back into complete abject blackness.

Isolating to avoid the ignominy of being in “All Eyes on Me” moments.

My penchant for procrastination turned into a liability.

Seeking all possible avenues of detour to steer clear of that one emotion…

I was straight up stuck in my comfort zone, alone, terrified, and not okay.

Somedays are better than others, but the bad days have me feeling desperate for security, avoiding any chance of potential failure... And I can’t bottle it anymore!

I’ve come to realize I’m flowing on those fragile yet wonderful days but dwelling on the messy, chaotic ones. Why is it we choose to hyperanalyze the Darkside more than the Brightside?

Can we normalize accepting all emotions, from the gloom that makes us not okay to the light that brings us pleasure… And just say f*ck society along with the pressure that weighs us down trying to be perfect aka “happy” all the gosh damn time.

I just want to feel okay with not being okay. Embracing both the good and bad days.

I’m beginning to understand that we’re not here to be “happy”. We’re here to live.

Pursuing experiences and understanding life is multilateral… not just one emotion.

Maybe that includes experiences of suffering, pain, and heartache.

But nonetheless… love, healing, joy, and pleasure.

All the possible avenues of emotion.

It’s lovely when we allow ourselves to live through life including all those unwanted emotions.

Rather than suppressing them for the sake of security.

Let’s learn to love each moment and understand just how beautiful it all is <3

Be Audacious with that Anxiety!

Thanks for reading ☺️ and supporting my process of acceptance 🤍

k.